


Game of Survival

by AliceAuroraRose



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: AU, Addiction, Alternate Universe - Dark, Angst, Anorexia, Dark, Insomnia, Mental Health Issues, Paranoia, Self-Harm, Suicide, split personality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 14:24:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12483668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceAuroraRose/pseuds/AliceAuroraRose
Summary: The mental health can be a sensitive thing. I can be broken easily.There are a lot of people who are suffering. But does it feel so wrong for them?Seven people. Seven disorders.I can show you how the pieces of a shattered life can look, once they're broken.Let's see if you want to hear their story...because, for them, life is a game of survival.(Warning! Could be triggering to some people. Please stay safe and if you need somebody to talk...I'm right here! Ill put specific warnings in front of every chapter~ This is a collection of OneShots. One for each member plus an extra one :D )





	Game of Survival

**Author's Note:**

> Warning! Abuse of alcohol and self-destroying behaviour. Could be triggering. If you need to talk to somebody then I'm always there for support :)

I was sitting on the couch. I felt empty. Nobody there. Only me. I needed something to fill my emptiness.

Only a little drink. It couldn't hurt, right?

I got a bottle of wine from the kitchen.

A little sip. It tasted good.  
Another one.  
A gulp. It tasted even better.  
Another one.  
Another one.  
Another one.

And the glass was empty when I wanted to take another gulp.  
But there still was some wine left in the bottle, right?  
I can just drink another glass.  
Another one.  
Another one.  
One more.

The bottle was empty.  
I stood up but fell back on the sofa.  
I didn't think that the alcohol would hit this quickly...

I pulled myself together and stood up once again.  
And it wasn't long until I came back with some more bottles.

Only a little drink couldn't hurt, right?

~~~~~~~~  
I felt how I lost balance. I tried to support myself, using the wall as a prop. I was numb. Numb to everything. My senses basically dead.  
My vision was blurry, a shrill sound in my head becoming louder and louder. Why wouldn't it stop? Why, why, why?!

I got angry. The sound of breaking glass accompanying the sound of my scream.  
My breathing, irregular and heavy.  
But what did I care? I need another drink...

I started stumbling into the kitchen. Still using the wall as my support. I paused my movements for a second. I felt a sharp pain shooting through my head.

And suddenly I felt myself lying on the ground.  
I didn't remember how I ended up on the ground,  
what was I about to do. What is that supposed to mean?

Is it kidding me? What is this? I really need another drink...  
I somehow managed to get up. I continued to find my way to the kitchen.

Then I felt how something hot was flowing down my head. I slowly brought my hand to the source. I pulled back when I realised that my hand was also getting wet.  
I looked at my hand. It was completely red. I'm asking myself where all this colour is coming from...

But that isn't important now. I only want to get something to drink.

I heard the sound of shattering glass once again when I tried to take the bottle of wine in my hand. My hand was shaking badly.  
And I took a look at all the glasses that fell down the table.  
I would clean that up later. I deserved something to drink right now...

I took a glass, my hands still shaking. I wanted to put it down on the table gently but it broke. I saw how the splinters were cutting through my skin. I saw that beautiful red again. But who cared?

I took another glass and this time I managed to not break it.  
I pour in the expensive wine. I looked at the ceiling.

Was I drunk yet?  
Did it matter if I was drunk or not?  
I didn't care much. The only thing I wanted was that damn glass of wine. I wanted it, right now.

I need it.

I looked back at the glass and got furious. There was nothing in the glass. Empty. The only change that could be seen was the nap.  
I could have sworn it was white once. But now...now it was perfectly matching with the red, dripping from my hand.

That didn't help much though. I got so angry. Leaving feelings and thoughts to overwhelm me. I threw the bottle of wine against the wall with all force. My whole body was shivering.  
I started to destroy everything. The filled and empty bottles, a tone of glasses, not even the table did survive my outburst.

Overlooking the room with an even heavier breath that I had before.

I needed to get drunk.

I took a bottle of whiskey from a shelf that was not completely destroyed. I opened the bottle roughly. I threw the lid somewhere in the room. I didn't care where it would be later on.

And then, finally, I got the thing I was looking for the whole time. Something to drink.

I felt how the liquid flowed down my throat.  
I could feel every bit of it.  
It was burning. It felt so horrible. There was too much.  
But I kept on going.  
I felt like the whiskey was etching away my throat.

But I felt great.  
I stopped drinking to take a quick breath. But I kept on going after that.

Until there was nothing more coming. The bottle was empty.  
I knew that little tears formed in my eyes. But I smiled.  
It felt good.

I needed another drink...

~~~~  
I lost my feeling for the time. Did I ever have one?  
I didn't remember. Why should I remember something so banal?  
I stood up to get another drink.

I felt how I hit the ground.  
Suddenly everything began to hurt.  
Every inch of my body.

But then, there finally was the black releasing me.

\-----  
"No! No, you don't!"

I stormed out of the room.  
I did not need somebody who was telling me to do"the right."

An addiction.

That's what they call it.  
Addiction. What a weird word.  
It seems so foreign to me.

An addiction is something negative, isn't it?  
Something affecting your life in a way, nobody wants it to.  
Addiction...the word resonated in my head.

They said Id have to stop.

Stop what? Stop why?

Because I was doing harm to my body and mind.  
Did they really think that I was this blind?  
I may be addicted if they say so...but I don't want to rid of it.  
And I know what I am doing. I am the one that has to feels the consequences, not they...

I was about to open the front door to the praxis.  
"Mr Kim, please wait!"  
I turned around slowly and looked right at the nurse's eyes.  
"Oh no. Trust me I had enough..."  
I turned around again.  
"But you-, " I interrupted her without any shame.  
"NO! Don't you dare to tell me how I have to live my damn life!"

~~~~~

I was sitting there once again. And he was feeling empty once again.

I knew I he shouldn't. I still had wounds on head and hands from yesterday. I am doing nothing good to this body...

But it hurts. All of the feelings. All the things that were missing. There was no other way of filling the empty space inside of me.  
I took a little nip from the beer I got from the refrigerator earlier.

But then I threw the can at his TV. I was angry.  
Angry, disappointed, sad and so empty.

I got up. I walked to the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror. I looked awful. Big circles around the eyes, bandages everywhere. But the worst thing...my eyes were empty. I did not see anything in them. I couldn't look at himself.

I wasn't ashamed of what I did. Of what I am doing.

~~~~~

I was smoking. I always tried to smoke when I tried to avoid drinking. But this time it was different. I was smoking while having a glass of wine in my hand.

I was doing both at the same time.

I gave up. Even if I never really tried to stop.

I never wanted to fight feelings. I never wanted to stop drinking. No, I indeed loved it.  
But I realised that I should stop pretending.

Nobody is allowed to tell me how I should live my life.

That means that I'm going to drink as much as I want.  
I loved it. I wanted it. I needed it.  
It felt satisfying.  
All the other thoughts could be erased...and it did makeup everything...  
I didn't need any other people in my life when I had something to drink. It can replace everything...

I went inside the kitchen.  
I prepared another drink.

I'm gonna get drunk tonight.

Ill have my alcohol.

My treasure.

**Author's Note:**

> So...yeah. This is chapter one of my BTS mental disorders AU. I hope you like it!  
> As you may have noticed...this whole AU is a bit dark and serious so if you don't feel comfortable reading this then don't!  
> There is one chapter for each member plus a little extra chapter. I promise that further chapters will be much longer (this one will probably be edited) but I first wanted to see the reactions to this one :)
> 
> I'm happy about any kind of feedback/comments :)  
> The next chapter will be V with his dissorder^^
> 
> Have a nice day!


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